Today I was reminded of what autism looks like, from the outside.
My son is interested in working in a game lodge (somewhere in Africa one day), so I contacted a long-standing acquaintance who was a game lodge manager in the Okavango Delta and asked if we could talk to him about his experience. We’re trying on lots of different ideas right now.
We were seated in a restaurant overlooking the sea and as we were talking I became aware that the lodge manager had his full attention on my son, and my son had his full attention on a submarine travelling backwards and forwards on the ocean, and everything else happening outside, which was a lot. At some point in response to something the lodge manager said, my son declared: “you know there are only four men on that construction site actually wearing a hard hat, and there’s a sign saying hard hats are compulsory.” He isn’t being clever. Rules matter to him, and he’ll point it out every time.
I sent a text message to the lodge manager: “Even if he’s not looking at you, he is still listening.” I felt I must reassure him that we value his time and his willingness to engage, even if it may not feel like that at all. He didn’t notice the text message, so he soldiered on impressively. I am eternally grateful for that.
I generally forget we lead an autistic life, until we venture into public places or engage with people we don’t normally engage with. Then autism sticks out like a giant awkward neon sign.
I look away too. In fact, what I feel most in conversation is how quickly I can get out of it. Conversations are a scary place, unpredictable and loaded with nuance I don’t always have the energy for. Most of the time I race to the finish line, on guard. I have only a few people I can truly relax with, and those are true “let’s walk and talk through this, I want to know everything” moments, which I cherish.
Sometimes what looks like someone who is not paying attention is actually someone who is trying to cope on the inside, by focusing on the outside. So if you’re ever in doubt, could you stay curious?
Chat soon, A
P.S. The next day, the lodge manager sent me a screenshot of a Google search: what the submarine was doing in the bay that day. This is what leaning in looks like.